Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
