I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
