Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
