put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
