The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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