it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
50% drunk capacity currently
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
