Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
