so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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