I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
