He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
