I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
