Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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