At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
