She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
