Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
