i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
