I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
