Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
