This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
