The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
