now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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