How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
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Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
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Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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