Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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