Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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