can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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