I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
