Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize