i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
