where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
