I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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