Pants 0. Shit 1.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
