in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
