you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
