I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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