I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
