Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
