Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
