I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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