i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
