I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
