Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
