I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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