i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
