my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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