My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
