I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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