My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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