So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize