i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
