There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
