My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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