I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
