I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
