I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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