For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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