if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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