I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i think i have two assholes
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
