all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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