I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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