Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
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