How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
